The Lore of the Allies: Spudbucket
April 19, 2011
Memoirs of Spudbucket:
3rd day of spring
There has to be a way to share my love of potatoes with the world! If only I could think of a way to deliver potatoes to everyone I can see. I’m going to work on this; I just KNOW people would appreciate it! They’re delicious, they’re filling, there’s an amazing variety of ways they can be cooked… more later…
9th day of spring
I think I have an idea. A long-range delivery system to get potatoes to everyone in a crowd, it’s ingenious. I’ll need a large supply of potatoes, and I’ll have to craft the parts myself for the mechanism. There has never been anything like this. To be honest, I got the idea from watching crossbowmen at target practice. I’m planting a garden today with nothing but potatoes. I have plenty of time before harvest to perfect my invention.
18th day of spring
I don’t have any eyebrows or eyelashes left. Maybe I should start from the beginning. I started forging the components of what I am calling the T.A.T.E.R.S. Bow. T.A.T.E.R.S. stands for Timed Accelerated Torpedoes Emerging Really Speedily. My plan was to create a mechanism that would launch potatoes at a high enough velocity to deliver them hundreds of yards away. What I ended up making was a mechanism that exploded the potatoes into a magma-like mess – hence my missing facial hairs. Back to the drawing board. Oh, and the potatoes are coming in nicely.
29th day of spring
Round two of testing went MUCH better! I’ve changed my concept a bit. No longer is it called the T.A.T.E.R.S. Bow, it is now called the S.P.U.D.S. Launcher! S.P.U.D.S. stands for Super Potatoes Urgently Delivered Softly. I didn’t burn myself or injure myself this time. But the velocity that the potatoes shot out of the barrel of the launcher caused them to be delivered as mashed potatoes. Back to the drawing board again! I’m getting close I know it! Mmmm…. Mashed potatoes.
1st day of summer
Still working on the S.P.U.D.S. Launcher, I’ve been able to tweak it down so that the potatoes don’t launch as a mash, but unfortunately they still launch at such a high velocity that they can knock holes in walls. I even accidentally injured a raccoon that lives near my cabin. I felt so bad I took him in, and I’m nursing him back to health. He doesn’t like me much yet, maybe he’s still bitter. But I’ve given him a name, O’gratin – my favorite way to cook potatoes!
20th day of summer
O’gratin hates me! I think he’s still mad at me for shooting him, but he hasn’t left yet. I think he likes being taken care of and he’s getting fat! He growls at me if I come too close to him, growls at me if I don’t feed him, growled at me one time when I dumped water on him because he stunk, and he BIT me when I tried to pick him up! He’s so cute! If he stays, I’m going to keep him. Oh, and before I forget, I’ve decided to make my idea into a weapon. This came about through my constant failure to iterate my design to deliver the potatoes safely. I’m accepting what is apparently fate and will create a home protection device that uses potatoes. As long as the owner has a potato garden they will have almost infinite ammo!
1st day of fall
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been busy! O’gratin likes me now, and he’s discovered that he likes potatoes too. It’s like we were destined to be together. We now eat dinner together every evening, and he sleeps in my bed curled around my feet. He still nips at me when I try to clean him up, but at least he lets me pet him now. Who knew a raccoon would make a good pet? I’ve got scars all over from his bites, but it’s totally worth it! Oh, and I’ve perfected my design! And it’s harvest season, I’ll be harvesting all my potatoes and plan to take them and my launcher with me on the road. Bandits beware the S.P.U.D.S. Launcher! S.P.U.D.S. now stands for Super Projectile Utilizing Devices of Science. It’s a bit wordy, but it means exactly what I want it to mean! Mmmm… potatoes!
Fig. 1 – sketch of S.P.U.D.S. Launcher